Ah, go on.....

In Matthew chapter 4, after fasting for 40 days, Jesus is taken into the desert to be tempted. He must have been weak and hungry, but at the same time in tune with the heart of God. He had spent time focusing on his Father, on His Kingdom. The body was weak, but the heart was in a real place of intimacy with God. Around this time, Jesus would have been around 30. He had spent many years building up to his ministry time, and at the verge of his moment, the testing comes.

I have noticed that my greatest temptations often come when I am stood at the verge of something which could be very significant. The times I have stumbled before big events or preaches I am to give, have I missed out? I believe so. I have allowed sin to come in and tear me apart, causing guilt, condemnation and anguish at the very time I've needed peace the most. Too often, I've accepted my position as a flawed man rather than clinging to the words of Jesus and trying to see him in the dark times.

Jesus was tested on his earthly desires, his trust in the Father, and his greed. He was offered the chance to satisfy his physical needs, he was offered the chance to be made 'great' in this earth. Jesus knew the score, he knew he would be spat on, despised and crucified. Not for one second does he try to avoid this for personal gain, knowing the greatness of God and placing the importance of His people right at the forefront. Throughout this time, Jesus' understanding of the Father and their relationship is so clear. He doesn't waver, knowing what he has is greater than what could be offered.

As I read this, I know that if we are to stand for God in the midst of temptation, we need that clarity. I once heard someone say that the reasons people fail are often lust, money or ego. I think I agree with that, those are all areas where our heads can be turned, and we buy into the lie that these things are greater than God. With hindsight we so often regret our failings and see clearly how shallow these things are. This doesn't have to always be the case, I don't believe we always have to live as beaten down, broken people. As we stay close to God, clear about the value of our relationship with Him, we become more and more able to see the truth. We need that truth rather than excuses or self-justification. We need to know right and wrong, know God's leading, and have the courage to follow what we know is true, when it's so much easier to go another way.

There is no easy solution to this. It takes time. We cannot get this without closeness with God. We will never stand in our own strength. One of the most mis-quoted verses from the Bible is “resist the devil and he will flee from you”. That's not what the Bible says. In James 4 verse 7 it says “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you”. We cannot miss the first bit out, or the whole thing falls apart. Without being submitted to God, we cannot resist the devil. As people, we find it easier to neglect that bit, thinking we can go about our own business and be good enough. We love a short cut. I've seen it in work where students are looking for a quick way through exams without putting in the graft and studying. Often we want that from our relationship with God. We want the strength, the blessings and the intimate moments without putting in the time. We want the results without the relationship, and when it comes crashing down we know we should have spent time closer to God, that we should have been sitting at his feet rather than casting a nod in his direction, hoping he's with us as we plough ahead with our own journey.

There are no short cuts. There aren't meant to be. There are no short cuts because God isn't a genie, looking to provide us with strength when we need it. We are referred to as His Bride, and the first four verses of Revelation chapter 21 tell the beautiful story of Him awaiting our arrival and longing for His people to be with Him forever.

'Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”'

You see, God isn't intended to be someone to be afraid of, or to keep happy. The Bible is a love story, a story of a God going into the darkness to rescue a broken, dirty, ruined bride and welcome her in as if she were the purest thing on Earth. As I look at my relationship more like this, it stirs something deep within my gut. It stirs a desire to know Him more, a desire to spend time in His presence. God becomes less a figure to impress (or at least not disappoint) and more the One who from the start of time declared that He wanted us to be His people, and nothing else.

When I think of God in this way, I think of Anna. I would never dream of cheating on Anna, I love her far too much to ever want anyone else, or to go anywhere else. I know the value and importance of the relationship I have, and I see it with clarity. As I start to see my relationship with God in this manner, I hope I will continue to be able to see temptation for the shallow, cheap alternative that it really is. As I think of my relationship with God like this, I realise that God is not just disappointed or frustrated with my failures, but that He is hurt that I would go off and think anything could match up to our relationship.

That's why there's no short cut. Life isn't a project. We were created for relationship, and there's no substitute for time in that relationship. As I read the Bible and reflect on God's love for His people, it makes me want to spend time with Him more, and makes me want to never lose that intimacy and closeness that comes from knowing Him.

This may not be new to a lot of you, but I feel that I'm just starting to get hold of a whole new way of what it means to love God. Maybe that's just a tiny fraction of what the early church knew, maybe it's a tiny fraction of what you all know. But for me, it's been a revelation, and is helping me know what it is to not live a life constantly feeling beaten by sin or failure.

Like a fat kid loves cake...

 I'm not actually fat, despite what people in both Widnes and Grimsby often remind me (and cheers for that by the way). You see, when I injured my knee when I was 18, I had to turn my attention to something else I'd be good at. That certainly wasn't going to be academia, mainly due to my ability to sleep through lectures and my reliance/dependency on Red Bull. I wasn't good enough at Pro Evolution Soccer on the Playstation to make a career out of that, despite the hours of practice. That left food challenges. If we leave thoughts of gluttony at the door for now, it was one area I could really excel, so I threw myself into it. My weight is therefore a consequence of my success.

So you see, I'm not fat. I'm a champion.

Not convinced? OK, I'm fat. Fair enough.

Recently I tried to do something about this by buying an exercise bike, which is about the only exercise that my paper knee can cope with. Within 25 minutes and 7 miles I was sweating like, well, like a fat man on an exercise bike. I was blowing and sweating out of places I didn't know I had. The journey out of being fat is a long and dull one. The journey to getting there is much nicer, accompanied by chilli Doritos, burgers and kebabs. The journey out is dull, with fruit, veg, and exercise. Even writing that sounds crap. If you know any people who are obsessed with exercise and health, I guarantee they're not fun. I've sat with people telling me how many calories are in my snack, and wished I had better friends. I don't know about anyone else, but I'll always prefer to have friends who hear someone else suggest a kebab, and know that they're not strong enough to refuse, despite the fact that they're clearly made of dog.

Way too often, we associate things with God in this way. We can equate spending time with Him as exercise or fruit, that it's something good for us and that we should do, but ultimately we often don't see as fun. That's such a flawed way of thinking, and completely distorts what God wants for us. The point of spending time with God is not just that we would be stronger and better people, though we find that is likely to be an outcome.

When I spend time with Anna, I don't do it just so our marriage will be stronger and we'll be able to cope with life. I don't even do it because it makes us better people (although I often tell her that spending time with me can only have that effect on her). I do it because I love her and want to spend time with her. I do it because time spent with her is better than time spent without her (except maybe when watching man films, where her attention span only runs until 80 minutes, pretty much the key ending to the film). That is how God wants our relationships with Him to be. He doesn't just want us to come to Him out of duty, that He will be something that will make us better. He also doesn't want to come to Him like He's a genie, bringing all the stuff that we need from Him.

From the start, God just wants a connection with His people, He just wants a relationship with them. The analogy in the Bible that the church is the bride of Christ shows that He longs for that type of closeness with us. The story of Jesus is the story of a God who longs for His people to know how much He cares for them, how close He wants to be. I don't fully get why He would really want to be close to people like me, with all my faults, but I know that He's not up there waiting to smack me down if I mess up, or waiting for me to impress Him. Something within His heart longs for His people to just love Him, and by sending His son to die a painful death, He paid way more than I paid for Anna (although that marquee wasn't cheap), and He did it because He loves us.

I don't really have much else to say. I know this is nothing new to most of you in churches, but just by realising this, and moving God away from something that is just something good for us, it stirs me to just spend time with Him, opening my life to Him and letting Him be the loving father to me that He so longs to be.

Anyway, I'm off for a snack.

All by myself...

 Recently I've been thinking a lot about life in my twenties, and this will probably be the first of a few blogs written about changes I've found as I've moved into the 'grown up' stage of my life, having a real job, real bills, and very real responsibilities. As I write this down, I know it'll probably act as a kind of guide of how not to do life, as these things never seem to come easily to me.

The first area that changed in my life as I adjusted to the routine of a working life related to friendships and loneliness. Since I was young, I've always seemed to have a group around me. When I was a schoolboy, I'd have my friends to play football with, then as I got older I had the Grimsby lads, then the uni crowd. When I got into my first job, I found this to no longer be the case. I had long hours to work, and fitting things in became a problem. Having things going on at the church was great, as it provided me with balance and kept me focused on what was important in my life. As time went on, I found I had less time to socialise and found myself with fewer genuine friendships than I'd ever previously had. It felt that I was trying hard to keep all the plates spinning and not let anyone down, while in reality I felt more isolated and lonely than ever. As a man, it's clearly not cool to talk about these things, so I sucked it up and moved on.

I ploughed through life, trying to do what needed to be done, but feeling that no-one else really had time to just hang out and take an interest in my life. As I looked at people in church, I saw a whole bunch of busy people, involved in their ministries and serving God, getting married and having very little free time. I felt that everyone was so busy and that I was sitting on the outside, not having many people I could turn to or just be around. Having worked with a group of guys in their twenties, I know I'm not alone in feeling this. From what I gathered this is a huge issue in church, particularly if you're single. People take up their time serving, or being with their other half, and people who are single find themselves often at a loose end.

I read a book recently about some of these issues. It's called 'Searching for God Knows What' by Donald Miller and it may well be one of the very best books that I've ever read. In it, he makes the point that when God created Adam, He declared that it was not good for him to be alone, and so created Eve. I was struck by the fact that even in paradise, man was not meant to just live with him and God. Man was meant to live in community with each other, enjoying God together and having that relationship experience shared. Somewhere down the line, it feels the importance of that has been lost. We hold up the strong, independent lifestyle as some kind of heroic feat, that somewhere along the line man was meant to plough ahead, living for God in isolation and having this intimacy with Him that no-one can come close to.

Paul is often held up as this example, but Paul was not a man who ploughed through life alone. While he wasn't married, and often outlined the benefits of following God as a single man, Paul spent most of his new life following Jesus and living in community. The writings we have of his are all to other churches that have visited, or people that are special to him. Wherever Paul went, he connected with people, not holding back his relationship with God as 'personal', but sharing his life, his experiences, his pain, his successes. Paul let people in and knew what it was to walk the journey of following God alongside others.

Recently I've been made more aware of my need to involve other people in my relationship with God. I've realised that my relationship with God is not just something I should lock away and not let anyone else near through fear that they may ruin it. I've found that to open up about where I am with God is something that can help both me and others. Talking about our relationships with God should be something which spurs us on, bringing challenge, refreshment and encouragement. It's not something that I've found particularly easy to do at first, but I'm starting to see the impact it can have on my life, and those around me. When I married Anna last year, I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with her and that we'd grow old together. What I didn't quite realise is that everything would be out in the open. Every fear, every weakness, every emotion. At times that has been something that's been so tough. However, as we've poured these things out, and learned to share our lives fully with each other, that's been something which has drawn me closer to God, and closer to Anna as a result. Ultimately, it's been hard to have yourself laid bare, but having someone see the worst part of you, and still choose to love you without running a mile brings more acceptance and love than you can ever feel without opening up. I've found it brings freedom and release, and as we seek God together from that place of openness, I'm learning what intimacy really is.

To finish, I guess I'm saying that we all need people. I'm not minimising our need for God in this, but I'm saying that we need to involve people as we try to follow Him and know Him closer. None of us were meant to plough on alone. We all need people that we can open up to, pray with, laugh with, cry with and learn from. I think we were meant to seek God as a people, not just running the lonely race in the hope that one day it'll be worth it when we die. If we are to truly know what it is to know Him closely, then we must have people around us who will input into our lives. By the same token, we must be prepared to go out of our way to input into the lives of others.

Like I said earlier, it is my belief that a lot of people in churches feel isolated, that no-one in the church values them enough to spend time with them, or see how they are. I understand that feeling, and it's not something that just gets removed when you get married. Ultimately, we need to take a step out of relaxing in our homes and invite someone in to our lives, letting down all of our barriers. I have no doubt it'll be painful at times, but I also know how great it will be, and I really believe we will start to know what it is to live in community, and love God as His church.

How much is it?

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what it really means to know Jesus recently, and how that reflects in our lives. As I’ve studied, prayed, reflected, and listened I seem unable to get away from the area of sacrifice.

To me, it seems impossible to know Jesus without that involving some kind of sacrifice in our lives. Throughout the Bible, God calls people away from comfortable living, often without any information about where He will take them. Abraham did this, leaving his home and his country without information about where God would take him. The disciples did this, leaving their livelihoods simply to follow Jesus. They knew nothing of where that calling would take them, but they were willing to sacrifice it in order to know God.

I know people who have sacrificed a lot in order to follow Jesus, and I find their stories an inspiration and a great challenge at the same time. Most of the really powerful testimonies I hear seem to involve periods of hardship or difficulty, and often God has moved significantly through His people trusting Him during those times. As I look at this, I wonder how much sacrifice is in my life right now. I’ve been a Christian for some 15 or so years now, and a lot of the sacrifices I made in terms of lifestyle choices as a teenager are no longer particularly sacrificial to me. If I was to walk away from Jesus today, I don’t think I would go around getting drunk for example. It’s not something I would enjoy and I don’t think it would be a part of my life.

So as I look at my life now, I question what I’m sacrificing right now and what that means. It’s fair to say that with Anna working for YFC we make financial sacrifices. I also think that we sacrifice time in order to build community with our lifegroup and other people in our lives. These are both important sacrifices, and we love the work involved with them so much that the time and money aren’t really seen as a cost to us. This week I’ve been stirred that there’s more to give though. It’s been one of those stirrings that feel potentially dangerous; that could really impact your life for good if taken seriously.

The two areas I’ve been really thinking about in my life are money and time. Like I’ve said above, we make sacrifices in those areas already. However, I know in my heart that I need to really bring both in line with what I say I believe about Jesus. My actions in these areas need to reflect my beliefs. As I think about money, I think about what it could be used for. I think about the disciples and whether they’d wear brand names. I think about Jesus and whether he’d drive a flash car. As I think of these things, the answer isn’t difficult. I’m pretty sure what Jesus would think. From my reading of the Bible, it seems clear to me that the early church would spend what they need to, and use the rest to feed the poor, clothe widows or do whatever is needed to reach out to the broken and hurting. I almost don’t want to think like this, because I’d like a big TV or a nicer car. However, if I’m to take the message of Jesus seriously, I can’t look away from this.

The other big area is time. Anyone who knows me and Anna will know that we’re quite busy and can end up running from place to place. This week I’ve felt convicted about the time I spend with God. Not the time I spend in ministry, or working on church stuff, the time I spend with God. As I’ve thought about it, I know I need to be spending at least 2 hours a day with him. Even as I write this, it seems like a huge number. It seems like a big call, and if someone challenged me to do it, it’s the kind of request where I’d think “yeah, but….” Ultimately, my relaxing time is spent cabbaged out in front of the TV, just switched off. I know if I am to be serious about God’s kingdom, I can’t justify spending way more time with TV than I do with Him. TV is great, and it can relax us, tell us great stories, and entertain us. I’m not bad mouthing TV at all. However, I feel that I should be a lot closer to God, and if I believe He will do great things in my life, He needs to be at the forefront of my life, not just my beliefs. Our lives are so filled with media and gadgets these days that we’ve lost the art of stillness, and it seems clear to me that God so often speaks to people in stillness. If I want intimacy with God, then I need quiet.

Who knows where 2 hours a day with God will take me? Maybe it’ll lead to a clear calling. Maybe it’ll lead to Him really breaking into the lives of people I pray for. Maybe I’ll become more like Jesus. Maybe it’ll lead to the cupboards being bare. Maybe it’ll lead to tears. Maybe it’ll lead to seeing a lifegroup growing into being great men and women of God. Maybe it’ll take me out of my job. Maybe it’ll take us out of Widnes. Who knows? All I know is one thing for certain. It’s costing us Sky Sports.

Right now, that seems like a small price to pay.

We Could Be Heroes

I spent time with my grandma yesterday. We talked about a variety of things, but one of the topics never far from the forefront was my grandad. They were married for 56 years, and she talks about him with a fondness that can only come from a life shared together. He died last year, and it's sad to see her without him, but it is great to hear the memories she has of him and to be reminded of what a great man he was.

I always liked my grandad, as did everyone on the planet. He was one of the very few people I've met that no-one had a bad word to say about. He was genuinely liked by all, and radiated such a genuine warmth that really reached out to people. He was interesting, kind, funny and selfless. At his funeral I heard that he'd gone to Bible college but that hadn't really worked out. I never knew that about him, but I know that he set about working in an 'ordinary' job, loving people and following Jesus as closely as he could.

Ever since I remember he was involved in church life, as a deacon, or preaching, or doing children's talks, or giving out Bibles, or running home groups. I think one of my favourite things that he did was to get involved with the church puppet team that went into primary schools after he retired. There he was, a 70 year old man, presenting the gospel in front of kids while being given banter by some puppets for being bald. It shouldn't really work or make sense, but it did.

On reflection, he probably respresents being devoted to God and to His church as much as anyone I've met in my life. Just to be around him was to know a man who truly loved Jesus and was committed to serving Him in all he did. The warmth he had came from a place of really knowing God well, and letting that infect every part of his life. In recent times, I have looked over his bookshelf, of the hundreds of books he had relating to God and the pursuit of understanding Him more. That bookshelf speaks of a man whose life was dedicated, whose service to God was genuine. I've taken a number of these books, hoping that I too will be able to be a man after God's heart, much like he was.

I think in my life I always felt that one day I would work full time for a church in some way. Right now, I'm not so sure how/when/if that will ever happen. Spending time thinking about my grandad reassures me of this. He had a normal job, in a normal town. But he had a phenomenal marriage, raised a great family, and lived his life serving God in every way he could. As I think about it, the people I've been influenced greatest by in my life haven't necessarily been people in high positions of paid church work. They've often been ordinary men and women with ordinary jobs who have decided to serve Jesus with their lives. They've been people who poured out love when I didn't deserve it, people who didn't condemn, and people whose lives really tried to reflect what Jesus would do.

Maybe I'll go into working for a church one day, maybe not. For now, I'll be a man in a normal job, trying to follow Jesus the best I can, hoping that makes a difference to the lives around me. Right now, I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do.

Pub Quiz

Yesterday I went to a pub quiz with Anna and my parents. I've been to pub quizzes before, and I feel I can usually hold my own. Somehow this one was different. I should have read some of the signs, like being told one of the rounds last week was on 1950s music. On arrival we were introduced to our other team members. This led to immediately being abused by them for driving to the pub, proclaiming "Young people these days, they just can't hack it". I'm not sure what we can't hack, but I was so happy to be called young that I let it go.

Then the quiz began. It started with a picture round, where me and Anna performed quite well, using our 'youth' to provide a couple of answers and even a correct overrule. From there, things went steadily downhill. Even the sports round proved nightmarish for me, including questions on Raith Rovers, Scrabble and Croquet. By the time the music round came up we were defeated. Me and Anna hadn't said much to the team for a good while, and I felt the shame of our limited use. The team looked towards me when a 'modern' song was played (and I'm talking Culture Club here, hardly cutting edge) and I muttered that I'd only just been born. The final result was that we finished 7th out of 9, a poor result for a team that usually finished mid-table. Somehow our presence had made things worse, despite being the only ones able to spot Alexandra Burke.

I got home last night, and thought about the experience and how odd the whole thing was. The more I thought about it, the more the pub quiz seemed like so many of our expressions of church.

1. Being 'a regular'

Firstly, there was a real feeling of being 'a regular'. The teams take it in turn to do the quiz, and everyone knows each other. There are rivalries simmering below the surface, with teams noted for being poor markers (shame on them). Everyone sat in the same place, with the same group, and commented on how good/bad others were. Being sat there last night felt like I was very much invited through someone else, but I never felt like I belonged. So often in churches we can get into the place where new people feel like they're looking in on someone else's world and they're wondering if they're welcome. This sense of belonging can be exclusive, or really positive. The early church really knew community, and people joining would have had a real sense of belonging. I think deep down we all want that feeling of being valued by those around us, that Cheers feeling where everyone knows our name. I saw that last night, and I've seen it in churches. My worry is that it can often take so long to get there, and so many people drift away, feeling they've not broken into 'the group'.

2. Sound system

People were discussing the merits of having a new microphone and replacing the tape player. That felt strangely quaint, in a world where churches feel they need the latest sound desks/monitors/projectors/dancing monkeys to appeal to people.

3. The music

I didn't know any of the songs. I complained about that fact, demanding more modern ones, mirroring the argument that rages in pretty much all churches everywhere. In my defence, it was rubbish, one of the ones of 'my era' being Status Quo.

4. Pride

This is fundamental to any good quiz team. If you want to be respected you have to be confident in your answers so that people listen to you. The problem with that is it can become difficult when you're wrong. I corrected one of my team twice last night, and it didn't go down particularly well, like I'd peed in his chips. I think this is one of our biggest issues in churches right now. It's important to discuss theology and challenge our understanding of God and His word, but there are times when it just becomes a big petty battle about who knows more, much like a competitive quiz team. I wonder how ridiculous we must look to God at times, arguing about who is right and how much we know of Him when in reality we won't be able to grasp a fraction of who He is until we see Him face to face, and then we won't care who knows what.

Like a lot of people in church, I know some stuff about the Bible, but I feel I could be out-argued by a lot of people. Often discussions just become about who thinks they know the most, and stopped being about God at all. We use that to prove ourselves as worthy. If that fails, and we don't know as much, we turn to our morality as signs that we're 'in the group'. It becomes one giant game of belonging ("I don't watch this on TV", "Well I don't listen to secular music", "Well my car horn plays Shine Jesus Shine") until we've proved ourselves. There's something innate in us that makes us feel that we have to somehow earn the right to belong, that we feel we've got to have something to bring to the table or we won't have part of 'the group'.

I'm not sure of what to make of all this. I just know that last night there was a bunch of people who belonged in a group, and the pub quiz mentality is often that your prove yourself/blag your way through to acceptance. So often that's the way in our churches. It didn't seem like Jesus wanted much to do with that. He seemed to want to be followed by flawed people who were hungry to know God and have relationship with Him. Jesus didn't seem to have much time for people trying to prove their knowledge. His followers seemed a bit rag-tag at best. Rather than going to the clever or proud, Jesus seemed to go for the ordinary, the broken, the outcast. It seems to me like his message was one of acceptance, that God doesn't want to be impressed and that all are welcome.

As Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’(Matthew 22: 37-38). This year, I'm going to try and live my life by that. Like anyone else, I struggle to feel I'm accepted. I want to earn love, to prove my worth. Ultimately it seems like the important things to God are to have relationship with Him, and to show love to people. Sounds quite simple, but quite tough. Maybe if we weren't afraid to let the guard down, stop trying to prove ourselves and let our thoughts and actions be shaped by Him, we may just change our worlds.

 

Happy new year.