Like a fat kid loves cake...

 I'm not actually fat, despite what people in both Widnes and Grimsby often remind me (and cheers for that by the way). You see, when I injured my knee when I was 18, I had to turn my attention to something else I'd be good at. That certainly wasn't going to be academia, mainly due to my ability to sleep through lectures and my reliance/dependency on Red Bull. I wasn't good enough at Pro Evolution Soccer on the Playstation to make a career out of that, despite the hours of practice. That left food challenges. If we leave thoughts of gluttony at the door for now, it was one area I could really excel, so I threw myself into it. My weight is therefore a consequence of my success.

So you see, I'm not fat. I'm a champion.

Not convinced? OK, I'm fat. Fair enough.

Recently I tried to do something about this by buying an exercise bike, which is about the only exercise that my paper knee can cope with. Within 25 minutes and 7 miles I was sweating like, well, like a fat man on an exercise bike. I was blowing and sweating out of places I didn't know I had. The journey out of being fat is a long and dull one. The journey to getting there is much nicer, accompanied by chilli Doritos, burgers and kebabs. The journey out is dull, with fruit, veg, and exercise. Even writing that sounds crap. If you know any people who are obsessed with exercise and health, I guarantee they're not fun. I've sat with people telling me how many calories are in my snack, and wished I had better friends. I don't know about anyone else, but I'll always prefer to have friends who hear someone else suggest a kebab, and know that they're not strong enough to refuse, despite the fact that they're clearly made of dog.

Way too often, we associate things with God in this way. We can equate spending time with Him as exercise or fruit, that it's something good for us and that we should do, but ultimately we often don't see as fun. That's such a flawed way of thinking, and completely distorts what God wants for us. The point of spending time with God is not just that we would be stronger and better people, though we find that is likely to be an outcome.

When I spend time with Anna, I don't do it just so our marriage will be stronger and we'll be able to cope with life. I don't even do it because it makes us better people (although I often tell her that spending time with me can only have that effect on her). I do it because I love her and want to spend time with her. I do it because time spent with her is better than time spent without her (except maybe when watching man films, where her attention span only runs until 80 minutes, pretty much the key ending to the film). That is how God wants our relationships with Him to be. He doesn't just want us to come to Him out of duty, that He will be something that will make us better. He also doesn't want to come to Him like He's a genie, bringing all the stuff that we need from Him.

From the start, God just wants a connection with His people, He just wants a relationship with them. The analogy in the Bible that the church is the bride of Christ shows that He longs for that type of closeness with us. The story of Jesus is the story of a God who longs for His people to know how much He cares for them, how close He wants to be. I don't fully get why He would really want to be close to people like me, with all my faults, but I know that He's not up there waiting to smack me down if I mess up, or waiting for me to impress Him. Something within His heart longs for His people to just love Him, and by sending His son to die a painful death, He paid way more than I paid for Anna (although that marquee wasn't cheap), and He did it because He loves us.

I don't really have much else to say. I know this is nothing new to most of you in churches, but just by realising this, and moving God away from something that is just something good for us, it stirs me to just spend time with Him, opening my life to Him and letting Him be the loving father to me that He so longs to be.

Anyway, I'm off for a snack.

All by myself...

 Recently I've been thinking a lot about life in my twenties, and this will probably be the first of a few blogs written about changes I've found as I've moved into the 'grown up' stage of my life, having a real job, real bills, and very real responsibilities. As I write this down, I know it'll probably act as a kind of guide of how not to do life, as these things never seem to come easily to me.

The first area that changed in my life as I adjusted to the routine of a working life related to friendships and loneliness. Since I was young, I've always seemed to have a group around me. When I was a schoolboy, I'd have my friends to play football with, then as I got older I had the Grimsby lads, then the uni crowd. When I got into my first job, I found this to no longer be the case. I had long hours to work, and fitting things in became a problem. Having things going on at the church was great, as it provided me with balance and kept me focused on what was important in my life. As time went on, I found I had less time to socialise and found myself with fewer genuine friendships than I'd ever previously had. It felt that I was trying hard to keep all the plates spinning and not let anyone down, while in reality I felt more isolated and lonely than ever. As a man, it's clearly not cool to talk about these things, so I sucked it up and moved on.

I ploughed through life, trying to do what needed to be done, but feeling that no-one else really had time to just hang out and take an interest in my life. As I looked at people in church, I saw a whole bunch of busy people, involved in their ministries and serving God, getting married and having very little free time. I felt that everyone was so busy and that I was sitting on the outside, not having many people I could turn to or just be around. Having worked with a group of guys in their twenties, I know I'm not alone in feeling this. From what I gathered this is a huge issue in church, particularly if you're single. People take up their time serving, or being with their other half, and people who are single find themselves often at a loose end.

I read a book recently about some of these issues. It's called 'Searching for God Knows What' by Donald Miller and it may well be one of the very best books that I've ever read. In it, he makes the point that when God created Adam, He declared that it was not good for him to be alone, and so created Eve. I was struck by the fact that even in paradise, man was not meant to just live with him and God. Man was meant to live in community with each other, enjoying God together and having that relationship experience shared. Somewhere down the line, it feels the importance of that has been lost. We hold up the strong, independent lifestyle as some kind of heroic feat, that somewhere along the line man was meant to plough ahead, living for God in isolation and having this intimacy with Him that no-one can come close to.

Paul is often held up as this example, but Paul was not a man who ploughed through life alone. While he wasn't married, and often outlined the benefits of following God as a single man, Paul spent most of his new life following Jesus and living in community. The writings we have of his are all to other churches that have visited, or people that are special to him. Wherever Paul went, he connected with people, not holding back his relationship with God as 'personal', but sharing his life, his experiences, his pain, his successes. Paul let people in and knew what it was to walk the journey of following God alongside others.

Recently I've been made more aware of my need to involve other people in my relationship with God. I've realised that my relationship with God is not just something I should lock away and not let anyone else near through fear that they may ruin it. I've found that to open up about where I am with God is something that can help both me and others. Talking about our relationships with God should be something which spurs us on, bringing challenge, refreshment and encouragement. It's not something that I've found particularly easy to do at first, but I'm starting to see the impact it can have on my life, and those around me. When I married Anna last year, I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with her and that we'd grow old together. What I didn't quite realise is that everything would be out in the open. Every fear, every weakness, every emotion. At times that has been something that's been so tough. However, as we've poured these things out, and learned to share our lives fully with each other, that's been something which has drawn me closer to God, and closer to Anna as a result. Ultimately, it's been hard to have yourself laid bare, but having someone see the worst part of you, and still choose to love you without running a mile brings more acceptance and love than you can ever feel without opening up. I've found it brings freedom and release, and as we seek God together from that place of openness, I'm learning what intimacy really is.

To finish, I guess I'm saying that we all need people. I'm not minimising our need for God in this, but I'm saying that we need to involve people as we try to follow Him and know Him closer. None of us were meant to plough on alone. We all need people that we can open up to, pray with, laugh with, cry with and learn from. I think we were meant to seek God as a people, not just running the lonely race in the hope that one day it'll be worth it when we die. If we are to truly know what it is to know Him closely, then we must have people around us who will input into our lives. By the same token, we must be prepared to go out of our way to input into the lives of others.

Like I said earlier, it is my belief that a lot of people in churches feel isolated, that no-one in the church values them enough to spend time with them, or see how they are. I understand that feeling, and it's not something that just gets removed when you get married. Ultimately, we need to take a step out of relaxing in our homes and invite someone in to our lives, letting down all of our barriers. I have no doubt it'll be painful at times, but I also know how great it will be, and I really believe we will start to know what it is to live in community, and love God as His church.